Over the last four years, life did a whole 180 on me. I mean, we all went through COVID, but dealing with that plus a breast cancer diagnosis? It pushed me into this crazy kind of isolation. When the pandemic hit, I had to stay sheltered-in-place mostly alone, with my family miles away. Just as I was dealing with that, boom—a breast cancer diagnosis. And let me tell you, being diagnosed at a time like that, what is going on? Treatment was rough and went on for two years; it really felt like my life was on pause while the world was out there trying to get back to “normal.” But I couldn’t even join in—I had to keep my distance from friends and family because my immune system was just shot.
Losing my mom during that time too was tough because it brought on a lot of grief. I reached a point where I told myself I couldn’t let cancer and COVID keep me trapped. I had to get back out there, so I hit the road in 2022. I traveled to Orlando, Belize, Chicago, Mexico, and Arizona. I needed that—I needed to feel like life could be good again, even if I was carrying so much grief. But you know, coming back to “normal” life, I noticed that even after surviving all of that, things didn’t just bounce back because I took a few trips. Being a full-time remote worker and finishing treatment, in my first year of survivorship, I had some days where that feeling of isolation crept right back in. People were out here living their best lives, not having to think about breast cancer like I did. I felt like I was still on pause. Friends had moved on, and even though they were still around, it just felt different.
But this year, in my quest to “Fearlessly Figure it Out” I decided I was done with staying in my comfort zone. Even in my 40s, I’m stepping into this new chapter and realizing that every decade, things just change. Friendships evolve, people move, get married, have kids, whatever. You can’t just sit around waiting for things to happen. I had to get out there and make new connections. And I found out I wasn’t the only one. There are so many people looking for the same thing—community, connection. If you’re in a new city or far from home, you know what I mean. But here’s the thing: making friends at 40? It’s not as scary as it sounds. There are so many people out there waiting to meet you, especially after everything we’ve all been through.
So, here are a few things I’ve learned about building community and finding new friends:
Tips for Building Community:
Don’t Be Afraid to Put Yourself Out There: Honestly, I’ve always been a bit of a people person, but it still takes courage to start conversations. If you’re at an event, be part of the convo. New York has so many opportunities for that—whether it’s a friend’s party or a solo event, just build up the confidence to chat with someone new.
If You Create It, They Will Come: I was tired of going to events alone, so I started inviting friends to things. I use this app called HowAbout, where you can share events with friends who might want to join. And you know what? Some people will show up, and you’ll end up meeting even more folks. I’ve had great times putting together group outings, and it’s brought in some new, amazing people.
Not Everyone Will Be Your Vibe, and That’s Okay: I followed up with some people over the summer who didn’t really reciprocate, but that’s life. Not everyone is meant to be your friend, and that’s perfectly fine. I’m all about protecting my peace these days, so I make sure to vet new connections. If someone’s bringing toxic vibes? I’m out.
Yes to New Friends: Look, I get it—“no new friends” is a thing, but honestly? You might love having some new people around. They might relate to you in ways your high school or college friends don’t anymore. Maybe you’re in a new city or picking up new hobbies that bring fresh energy into your life. Quality over quantity always, so make sure these new friendships actually add value.
At the end of the day, if you’re feeling stuck or alone, just remember you’re not. A lot of us are in the same boat, out here trying to rebuild and find connection again. Say yes to the journey—there are plenty of amazing people waiting to meet you.
